The Finale: A step into the Abyss

This has been an interesting project overall. As I started, I was expecting to be confronted by much more uncertainty and unnerving experiences putting myself completely out in the open. Unfortunately, that experience came only twice throughout the duration of this all. I feel slightly swindled, like I was finally supposed to be able to be myself...and then no one cared. Even my parents noticed no difference between me telling the truth and me hiding. Maybe I'm just not a great lier, or don't do it enough.

Sadly, this all just reinforces my perivious ideas. No one cares about the truth of others. Every man for himself and woman for hers. I thought the human race cared more for eachother. I thought we were more empathic and feeling towards the ideas of our fellow humans, but I guess it's not totally true now is it? This morbid idea is something I'd never have even considered before this all. And you, yes you. The one who's thinking "but my friends/ family/ girl-friend/ boy-friend care deeply should stop and think this: When they ask you how you're doing, how often do they push further when you say "nothing".

We can hide ourselves so easily from others. Things that tear you up inside never get brought to the surface unless forced out and regurgitated onto another or a wall or shattered object. Even when I said exactly what was up, people would flake over it, being much more concerned with their own problems. Just today, I told my friends that my house was halfway flooded and I'll be having to live somewhere else for 3 weeks. the replies?
"damn"
"That Sucks"
"Sorry to hear that"

Only one of them actually ofered me a place to stay and none of them asked how I felt about the whole thing...even though I'm feeling twisted by the whole expereience. I don't need everyone to stop what they're doing and care about me. I'm just Elio. I matter nothing in the blip of the universe. However, I just ask that those few people I call friends are not so caught up in thierselves to ignore me when I need them, just as I haven't when they've needed it.

I've been ranting a lot with this project, and I hate myself for that. I hate sounding so depressing and emo about my life and all the parts of it I seem to have hit on with this project, but that's how this shit seemed to have fallen. I'm not like this normally. I don't try to burden people with myself. I keep it inside because, well, no one cares. No one's going to go out of there way to help every minor teenage problem I come up with, and that habit carries over to the bigger things.

Maybe this is the best time to step over. I've found and enterance to the shadows and am willing top take it. This world hates the light. This world dispises the truth. This world stands against everything I stand for, so I quit. I give um. I need a break. I'm letting go for now. I'm going to stop shining brightly for others who wish for only darkness. I will stop trying to  be a guide for anyone but myself. Selfish? yes. But no one is accepting the selfless offers, so no point in keeping them open. So thank you for reading through my crappy blog and all the lack of adventures I've delt with. I bit you all a fond goodnight. And even with all I say, even now as I fall, I still love you all, cause that's something this world still needs. Unconditional Love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ao2u7F_Qzg&ob=av2e

Let it all out

So, today I formally told the world about my project, starting with my family. My brother Noah instantly burst out with questions:
Noah: So where was your first kiss and with who?
Elio: Um...Mae and at the La Costa Resort (said awkwardly).

N: What do you think of me?
E: Well...this is tough. You're fun to be with, most of the time. However, you often get moody and/ or annoying.

N: Can I have your room? (I'm going off to college next year and he's ALREADY wanting my room)
E: Not as long as I still live there.

So far, my few hours of telling people I'm telling the truth have proven more discomforting than the rest of my week and a half combined. So, now that I've let the word out, even you guys can ask questions (in case you wanted to XD). See what happens tomorrow...muahahaha!!!!

Loveless Romantic (or, Elio's Rant on Love and Relationships)

Disclaimer: the majority of this post (and by that, I mean everything besides this disclaimer) is just me going crazy at things I've figured out through the course of this project. It's going to be fairly woe is me and attention hog -ish, but I just need that at this point. If you don't want to hear this, just skip it, Please. I'd rather have you do that than read it and end thinking "wow, this kid just wants attention. These aren't even big problems, who does he think he is." With that in mind, here goes nothing.

As I've had to think about things truthfully lately, I've spent a lot more time focusing on the things I do and have done and how truthful I am with myself about them. My topic today: love, or why the hell does it feel like I'm the only person who hasn't really felt it yet? The few relationships I've been in have ended with me breaking up with the other person due to the fact that I end up realizing at one point or another that I feel very little for them. I understand my ideals are higher than most probably, but I still can't figure out why I've never felt in love enough to shut out my rationality.

I can't escape the rationality of my emotions. Whenever I'm in a relationship, I practically list out the gains and drawbacks of it day by day. I grow close to people only to start getting visions of the breakup. But then again, it's better now than in 20 years after kids and a life together. How many relationships end in divorces today? I'm lucky enough to still have my parents together, but my dad has outright said he isn't in love with my mom anymore. So what am I supposed to do? Imagine that somehow, someday, I'll meet my soulmate, we'll get married and live happily ever after? Cause deep down, that's what I'm hoping for.

I'm a romantic behind it all. I want someone to just escape the world with. I don't care about the sexiest woman alive. I don't want big breasts, a "tight ass", and all those things our society seems to tell me to idolize. I just want someone I can sit with by a fire and feel eternity slip by with. I want someone who I can be myself around. All of the masks worn as one. But that someone doesn't want to find me or is right in front of my eyes and me, being blind as usual, have overlooked it.

At this point...
I'm not sure if I'm looking for a relationship. College coming up, anything that happens will come to a harsh stop around august. I guess at this point, more than anything I'm, looking for a friend. Someone I can trust and be close to. I want to find someone for whom my innate tendencies to hide disappear. I want someone I can give my secrets, fears, and hidden desires without judgement. I would say I could do this with my friends, but I always feel like I'm burdening others when I lay my troubles on them.

Well, that's enough shit for tonight. I really don't like this post...it's pulled me farther out of my comfort zone than my entire project combined. That's really depressing to me. Well, cya all when I cya. And if you read this even after the disclaimer and are thinking what I said above...
*clears throat*
I TOLD YOU DIDN'T I!!!??

if you read this and actually cared, I'd actually like to hear your opinion on...well..whatever part of this you'd like to throw at me. And if you'd like to, come talk to me in real life (le gasp!). I'm always up to hear people's opinions on things, and this is quite a thing for me :P.

Peace all ;D

2/16/11 Updates

So, currently in class. I should be reading other peoples blogs, but after about 5, I truly don't feel like reading any anymore. It's not so much that I'm tired of what people have to say. Quite the opposite. It's that I'm almost bored of mine. It seems like I want to be open to a world that doesn't give a damn about what I feel or think or say...and I guess that's why I lie when I do.

The world forgets those who live on it's edges and who's only goal is to sit there acumulating arcane knowledges of the obscure, uncared for, irrelivant, or all out occult. No one really, tuly cares what you have to say so long as it fits within there tiny box of perspective in their creation of reality. I shouldn't care so much. Humans are inherintly flawed, and I don't try to claim myself any higher than anyone else, but it's dissapointing to see just how uncaring we can be towards eachother for a "social race".

I'll tell people what they want to know, if that's what they wanted to hear. But they don't. No one does. They want to hear "yes, you're right" or "wow, that's true" because deep down, they all want there own little world to be the right one. As for me? I want the truth of it all. I want someone to come up to me and tell me "you're wrong" and show me a different world. My world is constantly changing and morphing to fit my latest adaptations to the vast expance of uncontainability this universe is...and yet I feel so stuck.

I can't pretend I don't think myself correct, or that things I do are the right way in my eyes and often what I precieve as the right way overall, but I just wish that more often I could be told I'm wrong and put on some sort of track instead of just being nodded and smiled to by masked faces who's only use is the hide the snikers and whispers of "did you see what he did?" and "who is this fool anyways?"

I'm sorry for the rant, and if I had more to report I would. I guess this world just doesn't care for those who tell and act in the name of the truth.
The decitful win.
The world is sin.
Why ask for thanks when making bank,
 when all is great, world on your plate you wait...

....and then it comes that time you need someone else, but all you see is a sea of blank expresions and turned backs. So you put on yours and fall back into it.

Updates for 2/15/12

So...not much else new has happened. Seriously! This project is almost too easy :P I hesitate to say it, but I hope it gets a bit more difficult cause this is almost boring. No one has asked me much revealing or that pulls me out of my comfort zone since saturday. Oh well. That's life I guess. Honestly (sorry for the pun), Things are simple now, but they'll be getting more difficult latter. I have a special plan for the final day, which, hopefully, will cause a bit more discomfort. If not...I will initiate operation "last days" early. Yes....yes...

Updates for 2/13/12

Nothing much new to report honestly (no pun intended). I've regressed a bit and made a few puns today at points where they were too good to pass up XD As I have nothing major to report, I'll take this opportunity to talk about the first thing I realized through this blog project...more than before.

I'm my harshest critic. Most people here this and respond with the "well duh", but few realize how extreme I mean this. I on a regular basis insult, twist, and torment myself to the point of it being nearly a problem (don't take this as a cry for help or an "oh you poor thing you're worth it blah blah blah" heard it before, it's not nessissary; that, and this is just an analysis). I don't like myself. So what? Most teens don't like themselves or wish they could be more this and that. Well, I find the smallest, most minute thing I've done wrong an essentially cut myself and salt the wound with it (metaphorically!).

As I've started to look at things through the lens of truth and lies, I've noticed that I'm overly critical to myself. Everyone had regrets, things that they've done they wish they could do over, but that doesn't mean we need to dwell on it. I've had to hold back on the harshest criticisms to myself. The unexpected thing was I found the source, but I'll keep that one for myself for now ;) If anyone actually cares (this is a class project after all, and many of you will see this blog as "a kid in my class writing about his problems for sympathy" and skim it away) I can go further into depth on this. But truthfully, I'd like to see one person who honestly, looking at themselves with no societal holds shaping their words, legitimately cares about the minor details and revelations of a high school senior. And frankly, I don't care. I don't need you to be me. (last disclaimer: I'm sorry to anyone this sounds overly callous or harsh to. I don't want to sound mocking or "holier than thou", but if it comes off that way...ya, sorry boss, tis the way I am)

Updates 1

It's day 3 of my truthful ordeal, and already, so much has happened. Yesterday, I slipped up on my truthfulness a total of 5 times. Fortunately, I only slipped up with sarcasm and nothing terrible. This was a massive wake up for me to be more careful when I speak for this coming week and potentially the weeks to come. Besides that, noting major to account for yesterday.

Today, however, my first true challenge occurred. While I was at work today, I came across my ex-girlfriend and her mom. I saw them before they saw me, and moved to avoid them. As I went outside to take in the carts, I tried to figure out why I wanted to avoid them so much. What I realized was this: I had no way of running. Usually, if something bothers me, I can just dodge the topic or hide behind a masked personality. This time, I would have to take all the questions and comments completely truthfully, and the responses would not be able to be held back like I usually do. The worst thing for me is watching people suffer, and this would be an opportunity where I would end up doing that, even though I desperately didn't want to do that.

That's what my mind came up with just before I headed inside. As I went back inside, I noticed that both of them had left. It was interesting to think that the fear I had was for an invisible challenge.

I made no slip ups today and managed to catch myself every time before I said something sarcastic. This challenge is becoming easier each day, and at the same time, more difficult. I miss being able to joke with people and be even slightly sarcastic. I will see this through to the end, though, and am looking forward to my special idea for the final day.