This has been an interesting project overall. As I started, I was expecting to be confronted by much more uncertainty and unnerving experiences putting myself completely out in the open. Unfortunately, that experience came only twice throughout the duration of this all. I feel slightly swindled, like I was finally supposed to be able to be myself...and then no one cared. Even my parents noticed no difference between me telling the truth and me hiding. Maybe I'm just not a great lier, or don't do it enough.
Sadly, this all just reinforces my perivious ideas. No one cares about the truth of others. Every man for himself and woman for hers. I thought the human race cared more for eachother. I thought we were more empathic and feeling towards the ideas of our fellow humans, but I guess it's not totally true now is it? This morbid idea is something I'd never have even considered before this all. And you, yes you. The one who's thinking "but my friends/ family/ girl-friend/ boy-friend care deeply should stop and think this: When they ask you how you're doing, how often do they push further when you say "nothing".
We can hide ourselves so easily from others. Things that tear you up inside never get brought to the surface unless forced out and regurgitated onto another or a wall or shattered object. Even when I said exactly what was up, people would flake over it, being much more concerned with their own problems. Just today, I told my friends that my house was halfway flooded and I'll be having to live somewhere else for 3 weeks. the replies?
"damn"
"That Sucks"
"Sorry to hear that"
Only one of them actually ofered me a place to stay and none of them asked how I felt about the whole thing...even though I'm feeling twisted by the whole expereience. I don't need everyone to stop what they're doing and care about me. I'm just Elio. I matter nothing in the blip of the universe. However, I just ask that those few people I call friends are not so caught up in thierselves to ignore me when I need them, just as I haven't when they've needed it.
I've been ranting a lot with this project, and I hate myself for that. I hate sounding so depressing and emo about my life and all the parts of it I seem to have hit on with this project, but that's how this shit seemed to have fallen. I'm not like this normally. I don't try to burden people with myself. I keep it inside because, well, no one cares. No one's going to go out of there way to help every minor teenage problem I come up with, and that habit carries over to the bigger things.
Maybe this is the best time to step over. I've found and enterance to the shadows and am willing top take it. This world hates the light. This world dispises the truth. This world stands against everything I stand for, so I quit. I give um. I need a break. I'm letting go for now. I'm going to stop shining brightly for others who wish for only darkness. I will stop trying to be a guide for anyone but myself. Selfish? yes. But no one is accepting the selfless offers, so no point in keeping them open. So thank you for reading through my crappy blog and all the lack of adventures I've delt with. I bit you all a fond goodnight. And even with all I say, even now as I fall, I still love you all, cause that's something this world still needs. Unconditional Love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ao2u7F_Qzg&ob=av2e
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