Disclaimer: the majority of this post (and by that, I mean everything besides this disclaimer) is just me going crazy at things I've figured out through the course of this project. It's going to be fairly woe is me and attention hog -ish, but I just need that at this point. If you don't want to hear this, just skip it, Please. I'd rather have you do that than read it and end thinking "wow, this kid just wants attention. These aren't even big problems, who does he think he is." With that in mind, here goes nothing.
As I've had to think about things truthfully lately, I've spent a lot more time focusing on the things I do and have done and how truthful I am with myself about them. My topic today: love, or why the hell does it feel like I'm the only person who hasn't really felt it yet? The few relationships I've been in have ended with me breaking up with the other person due to the fact that I end up realizing at one point or another that I feel very little for them. I understand my ideals are higher than most probably, but I still can't figure out why I've never felt in love enough to shut out my rationality.
I can't escape the rationality of my emotions. Whenever I'm in a relationship, I practically list out the gains and drawbacks of it day by day. I grow close to people only to start getting visions of the breakup. But then again, it's better now than in 20 years after kids and a life together. How many relationships end in divorces today? I'm lucky enough to still have my parents together, but my dad has outright said he isn't in love with my mom anymore. So what am I supposed to do? Imagine that somehow, someday, I'll meet my soulmate, we'll get married and live happily ever after? Cause deep down, that's what I'm hoping for.
I'm a romantic behind it all. I want someone to just escape the world with. I don't care about the sexiest woman alive. I don't want big breasts, a "tight ass", and all those things our society seems to tell me to idolize. I just want someone I can sit with by a fire and feel eternity slip by with. I want someone who I can be myself around. All of the masks worn as one. But that someone doesn't want to find me or is right in front of my eyes and me, being blind as usual, have overlooked it.
At this point...
I'm not sure if I'm looking for a relationship. College coming up, anything that happens will come to a harsh stop around august. I guess at this point, more than anything I'm, looking for a friend. Someone I can trust and be close to. I want to find someone for whom my innate tendencies to hide disappear. I want someone I can give my secrets, fears, and hidden desires without judgement. I would say I could do this with my friends, but I always feel like I'm burdening others when I lay my troubles on them.
Well, that's enough shit for tonight. I really don't like this post...it's pulled me farther out of my comfort zone than my entire project combined. That's really depressing to me. Well, cya all when I cya. And if you read this even after the disclaimer and are thinking what I said above...
*clears throat*
I TOLD YOU DIDN'T I!!!??
if you read this and actually cared, I'd actually like to hear your opinion on...well..whatever part of this you'd like to throw at me. And if you'd like to, come talk to me in real life (le gasp!). I'm always up to hear people's opinions on things, and this is quite a thing for me :P.
Peace all ;D
No comments:
Post a Comment